In February of 2012 my mother left a message on my voicemail, “Ann, it’s mom, call me when you get this.” That was the message she left, calling to tell me she had lost the battle, the cancer had won and she had weeks, maybe months to live. Sitting outside in the backyard the day after she died, scrolling through my phone I found that message. I sat on a lawn chair, the sun baking on my face, wailing, crying out for her, red faced, tears pouring, feeling an indescribable pain. I listened to her soft voice on the message over and over. How she said my name…told me it was her…and asked for me. I kept the message, until one day, in December, my phone crashed and the message was gone forever.
Here’s what I know about tragedy, it feels as if it happened decades ago and it feels as if it happened yesterday. It feels as if it was a horrendous dream and it feels like an inevitable reality. Tragedy can never be thwarted by will. And when it strikes, like it will to everyone, it chips away at your sense of self until you are left facing what is inside, a horrible darkness and a beautiful light. Then you get to choose.
For me this choice has always been an illusion, despite the many roads laying out in front of me, there is always one clear path, the path of consciousness evolution, acceptance and forgiveness. I have never been able to stray from this, it’s as if I am on autopilot and the destination is inevitable. Pain, disillusionment, indulgence will never dissuade me, every time I taste the nectar of my soul, I delight in my progress and continue to purge people, places, objects, beliefs…what ever is in my way.
One of the gifts of tragedy is that I have found my self. Never lost, ever present but hiding in the shadows until I was able to reach in deeply and animate, bringing together a powerful will and unbounded guidance. Having the visceral understanding of my true nature amplifies every moment, every interaction, every choice. Now when I stand across from people I can feel my attraction or my repulsion to their state of being. Gone are the days where I strive to understand, fix or connect with individuals who give little or nothing in return; regardless of our genetic or circumstantial connection, I am done.
Another gift, I have found my tribe. Comprised of compassionate, thoughtful, creative individuals and families, there exists between us an unspoken understanding of authentic and unending respect. When I am with my tribe my body relaxes, I can let myself shine through, I no longer have to guard myself or place myself above or below, we are all equal.
And the gift that keeps on giving… manifesting an amazing existence. Finding myself, finding my tribe, discovering and living my life purpose. I can feel the pulsing of my life purpose in my heart. It pumps the desire into every cell of my being, propelling me forward. I exist in a present so beautiful, so sweet I weep in reverence but I also visualize and manifest a future of unbounded freedom and aim my arrow at the mark. This was the final gift my mother gave to me, in her death she released me.